The real answer to how are you...

Friend: "How are you?"

Me: "Good, good, we're good and you?" (I'm dying inside, I literally feel like my insides are knotted up, I might have a break down if I open my mouth and audibly express how un-fine I really am, in fact I'm currently assessing how long I stay in this conversation before you notice that I'm starting to sweat from anxiety & the damage that I might inflict on me and you if I decide to eek out even the tiniest bit of what's really going on.)

I have no idea what was said next, because well, I'm strategizing how to exit the conversation quickly without being rude. 

Me: "It's nice to see you, have a great day!" (ohh thank God! I seriously could NOT, nope, not the time nor the place, NOT, NOPE, just NO!!)

Soo that happened and I'd like to say it happened once or twice, but over the course of the last year, it's happened over and over again and again. I've often painstakingly replayed conversations, overthinking every answer, every facial expression, hoping that I wasn't rude or aloof or too much, or not enough. My reality now, looks different than those conversations, most of the time and I write this now because now seems like the right time, but for months it was not.

The thing I struggled with and still do...how do you come right out and say "I'm not fine!" Do a quick google search on friendships and being authentic and you'll see, I'm definitely not the only one and neither are you friend!! The funny and cruel irony of what I now know to be post partum depression is that I didn't know how to be authentic with that. For someone, who has a website with "honesty" in it's name, I couldn't be honest. Truthfully, I didn't know how to be honest and if I admitted that I had PPD, then I really did, which means it wasn't just an occasionally sad day here and there, or an avoided conversation, it was WAYYYY BIGGER than that. Not being honest and authentic seriously ate away my insides, like literally I've had sporadic high blood pressure, unexplained upset stomach, fantom pain, body aches, and panic attacks. 

It's easy now to read this and say clearly I needed help, clearly I noticed all these things and put everything together, but the truth is I didn't. All of it could be explained away...Of course I'm tired, I've got a newborn and 4 other little people, of course I'm not interested in intimacy, I just had a baby I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, hormones do funny things, maybe I just need to be more thankful, I had no energy for house chores, maybe keeping a positive journal, join a women's group, the list goes on. It wasn't until I finally set an appointment with my OB for a problem I was experiencing related to my c-section, that she listened to both my hubby and I talk and she asked if I would fill out the depression survey. Honestly, I was a little shocked, I love my kids like no bodies business, I would never hurt them or myself.

In fact all I felt was this overwhelming sense of protection for them and depending on the day, I might actually be fine. I might be holding my "ish" together and doing pretty well. But there's only so long feeling fine can stay bottled up and whether I would never hurt my kids or myself I was, I was totally being self-destructive and careless with my words, with my actions, and definitely with my own thoughts.

On one particular day, it all just came out in a blubbering mess onto a friend, who I'm pretty sure had no idea what was coming.

I actually don't even remember what I said, but it was the first time in about 6 months I audible said how I was doing and man did that suck! I wept, that's the appropriate word, not tearing up, not crying a bit, but full on ugly cry, total meltdown. I said something about how terrible everything was, how lonely I was, how overjoyed I was about my 5th baby and in the next breath how awful my marriage was & how I was just soo over all of IT! I was over everything, if someone would have handed me the keys to an rv I would not have thought twice about skipping town. I would have packed up my kids and left, 'em sorry Hubby, at that moment I could have easily left him there (don't worry he knows ;) ). I was the epitome of a HOT MESS!!

I literally wanted to crawl out of my skin and run, 'cause who knows who that crazy lady was. Definitely, not someone I recognized or someone who I would want to be friends with or married to. The truth is that although things are getting better, I really don't know who is going to show up in the morning or what will set me off.

I'd love to say everything cleared up and I'm fine, we're fine, we're all fine...BUT... it's not that simple. On a bad day, there seems to be little hope and I hate that, I hate that soo much! On a bad day I can hide and run and push people away, but I can't run from myself. On a bad day I have to walk in these shoes, I have to sit in this space that I would gladly exchange. And here's the kicker...I'm in a phase of life where mom friendships are being solidified, where we're embracing our 30-something selves, becoming comfortable in our own skin, yet because of my PPD, on bad days, I feel lonelier than ever before and I wish I could be in anyone else's skin, but my own.

In moments of clarity and on good days when I do feel better, life is being renewed, and I want to remember that. I want to relish in those days because I'm getting glimpses of what it looks like. On good days I want to write it all down. I want to both forget everything that happened and never forget what this feels like. I desperately want other women to feel like it's ok & acceptable to be fine one day and want to crawl out of your skin the next. I want a journal of all the ugly and horrible so I can see the hope and transformation. I never wanted or pictured that PPD would be part of my story in fact I thought my motherhood journey was already marked and solidified by my 5 miracles when I thought I'd only have 1.

I need for this to be for something, that it is not all for nothing, I have to believe that the God of hope, would use this story, my journey through PPD to bless others, I have to believe that! So, how are you? I'm taking it one day at a time. Some days, I'm full of life and it's freaking amazing, but some days I might choose to say "not good" or "I'm having a really tough time." Both might true on the same day and I'm choosing to allow myself to feel both completely and write pieces of my journey as I feel comfortable or led.   

Love & hope for tomorrow, Shannon